The smile in your sweat.
The feeling you get
when your heart is racing faster than your last bet.
You can count me out this time
I'm too much in debt.

Sometimes it almost seems like I write my own fate in advance. I read my last entry, the things I hope and wished for then, they actually happened, all was not lost.
As much as everyone wants to whine and complain about how inconvenient everything is, they usually all get what they want as long as its in their reach. One cannot dream of falling in love with a frenchmen who listens to AIR and creates delicate raspberry pastries on a corner cafe, if they are no where near Fance. But even so, maybe they'll end up running into him in New York City on his way to an American art school. Eventually, people do end up happy, and if they don't, its the fact that they can't love what's in front of them.

I hate this life sometimes, I hate this school, I hate feeling left alone and forgotten.
I hate wanting to move on but not being able to, so many roadblocks, keeping me from doing what I should be doing.
Maybe what I should be doing is enjoying all of this, enjoying the peace and clean air, but its difficult finding anything fulfilling.
I see the word sorry out of the corner of me eye, being human, I immediately become self -centered, smiling for a second, someone feels sorry for me. They're only sorry because they can't give me the time that I want.
And damnit, I felt this exact way exactly 3 months ago, during the middle of December. Its warmer outside now than it was, but chills still go up my spine and down my arm and the washing-machine function of my stomach gets stuck and doesn't turn the way it used to anymore. Maybe in a month I'll feel better, maybe he'll kiss me on cheek without feeling guilty that he might be hurting me.
Maybe we'll go on walks down trails in the forest and feel each other's skin against our own like we did before.
Will there ever been anything new?
Now it feels so far away, that feeling of comfort and love, that feeling that you can't get from any other person, place, or thing in the world.
But I'd travel across oceans to find it again, maybe take it out for a drink or two, dance to some shitty Euro band that we can't understand.
I want to be happy too, I want to be able to drive down the street and smile even when the sun's not shinning, just because I'm going somewhere new, getting some poison that'll make me feel even better.

Who cares, its Friday now

I was just thinking about all of this, sitting here in this classroom, glancing softly at certain people, knowing I wouldn't get a glance back from any one of them.
So, I killed it,
I killed the mood.
That happy mood that made me want to kiss the foreheads of every young child that crossed my path.
But who knows how it even got there in the first place.
Maybe it came along while sitting in that car, driving down the long road in the warm February sun that came so suddenly in the midst of a frozen winter.
I wish I was better at run-on sentences.
Or first impressions.
And finding the silver lining in the worsts of situations.

I'm trying to come up with a logical theory that explains why people make certain gestures when they get nervous. Like touching their hair. A lot. Or biting their nails till they wear down to the dry skin. Is it genetic?
Is everything just one big genetic hash?