I hate this life sometimes, I hate this school, I hate feeling left alone and forgotten.
I hate wanting to move on but not being able to, so many roadblocks, keeping me from doing what I should be doing.
Maybe what I should be doing is enjoying all of this, enjoying the peace and clean air, but its difficult finding anything fulfilling.
I see the word sorry out of the corner of me eye, being human, I immediately become self -centered, smiling for a second, someone feels sorry for me. They're only sorry because they can't give me the time that I want.
And damnit, I felt this exact way exactly 3 months ago, during the middle of December. Its warmer outside now than it was, but chills still go up my spine and down my arm and the washing-machine function of my stomach gets stuck and doesn't turn the way it used to anymore. Maybe in a month I'll feel better, maybe he'll kiss me on cheek without feeling guilty that he might be hurting me.
Maybe we'll go on walks down trails in the forest and feel each other's skin against our own like we did before.
Will there ever been anything new?
Now it feels so far away, that feeling of comfort and love, that feeling that you can't get from any other person, place, or thing in the world.
But I'd travel across oceans to find it again, maybe take it out for a drink or two, dance to some shitty Euro band that we can't understand.
I want to be happy too, I want to be able to drive down the street and smile even when the sun's not shinning, just because I'm going somewhere new, getting some poison that'll make me feel even better.